Guiltless

As we walked up to the courtyard where my cousin’s daughter was to be married, I spotted my aunt and uncle greeting people. I took my sunglasses off and felt the butterflies in my stomach. I shouldn’t be so nervous to see them, but it’s been a long time - over 15 years - and I am afraid I won’t be welcomed by my uncle. I took a deep breath and relaxed. I encouraged myself to just go straight up to him and give him a hug and say hello. Another deep breath and I smiled and walked the remaining steps with my head held high. I gave my aunt a hug and we talked for a moment. Then as we finished, I turned to my uncle who had averted his eyes and looked as if he wanted to be somewhere - anywhere - except there with me approaching him. I stepped over to him and put my arms around him and said “Hello, it’s good to see you.” He didn’t return my embrace nor did he say anything, and while it’s what I expected, I was still disappointed.

Why had I been so foolish as to think he would welcome me, embrace me, show me any warmth at all? I knew he and my mother were still feuding after all these years. I knew he was still holding a grudge against her and me and our entire family. I knew he wouldn’t have gotten over the anger and resentment he must be feeling towards us to treat us this way.

I wanted to slap him. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to ask him why the hell he was mad at me? I hadn’t caused the problems between him and my mother. He shouldn’t hold his anger towards her against me.

And yet…I felt guilty about the situation. I wanted to make peace. Life is too short, can’t we all just get along? I felt guilty for how I did participate in the legal issues between him and my mother. I was fresh out of law school and trying to please her by helping her with her business issues with him. And now I felt guilty for not being able to resolve their anger toward each other. I’ve talked to my mom before about forgiving him. She feels like she made an overture once and when he didn’t accept her peace offering she was justified in hating him. I wish I could talk to him too and try to reason with him to give up his anger and forgive her and me. I wish everyone could be happy.

I’m also tired of feeling guilty about something that I can’t control and I can’t change. I know in my heart that I can’t change my mother and I certainly can’t change my uncle who won’t even give me the time of day. And you know what, I also know that it’s not my job to change them or to make them happy or to make them forgive each other.

My only responsibility is to me. How do I want to be and what do I want to be? What I want is to be happy. I want to love and accept my mother and my uncle exactly as they are, even when they are unable to love each other. Feeling guilty won’t make me happy or loving that’s for sure.

What I wanted in that moment was to remember my uncle as he was when I was growing up and how much fun I had with him and my aunt and my cousins. I have a lot of happy and loving memories. I also acknowledged that he must be in a lot of pain and the best thing I could do for him was to let him be. So I silently told him I loved him and that he could be mad if he wanted to, but that I was going to go spend time with my cousins and their families. I was going to have fun and celebrate and not feel guilty!

And that’s exactly what I did. I walked away from my uncle and over to where all my cousins and their kids were and reunited with them and you know what, I had an amazing time! I hope my uncle had fun too!

What are you feeling guilty about and what can you do to release that guilt and feel loving toward yourself?

Get Real!

I need to get real with myself. Start being more honest with myself. Mostly around food, but in some other areas too. I’ve been eating too much, mostly when I am alone. I fool myself by telling myself that it’s mostly “healthy” food so it’s okay, and that I’ve been exercising a lot and need to eat more. I’ve also been eating a lot when I’m not hungry and eating to numb myself out. I know I want to lose weight and be healthy, but I let myself eat more than is healthy for me. Part of getting real is owning up to mistakes and so here goes.

The other night I binged. I didn’t plan the binge. In fact, I planned a healthy dinner, roasted eggplant and a salad. But in the back of my mind all day long I was aware and looking forward to the fact that my husband would be gone for the evening and I would be all alone. I’d be “free” to binge. No one would be around and I could let loose.

When he left I had a chorus of voices in my head. One was proclaiming loudly “Woo Hoo, I’m all alone, I have several hours to do whatever I want to do. Let’s eat!” Another yelled “You’ll be sorry if you let go and eat. You know you’re not hungry you fat pig.” Another said “Remember that you want to lose weight and be healthy. You don’t have to eat. Be kind to yourself.”

I turned off all the voices and headed to the refrigerator. It certainly wasn’t my worst binge. My binges in the last year or so have been like this one. Smaller, less food and not my favorite binge foods like chips and pretzels and crackers. Luckily we don’t keep those foods around the house any more! But I did eat cheese and nuts and whole wheat bread. I told myself it’s a “healthy” binge because the foods are healthier than chips and pretzels and crackers. Ha! See, I really do need to get real. I binged, plain and simple.

The next day I felt like shit. Hung-over, sluggish, tired, like I weighed 1000 pounds. And I also felt guilty. I’m trying to lose weight after all and we leave for vacation in less than a week!

I know it’s not worth it. I do! For some reason though, I just let myself forget that sometimes. I lose control. But now that it’s over I know it doesn’t do any good to beat myself up. I made a mistake. I need to simply own up to the mistake and move on. Wallowing in guilt will just lead me to more pain and misery, possibly in the form of another binge. And I surely don’t want that.

Instead I’ll acknowledge the mistakes I made and correct them. I know I eat too much when I am alone. In the future when I am alone, especially in the late afternoon or evening, I will enjoy the alone time with out eating. Instead I will do something I love doing that does not involve eating. I have tons of things I could do, write, read, blog, walk Sophie, dance, knit, etc.

Most importantly though, I will be vigilant with myself and be aware of my thoughts so I can catch myself in time and not just go into autopilot. I will be honest with myself in these moments and really make a conscious choice. Do I want to binge or do I want to be loving and kind to myself? I will remind myself that I want to be healthy, I want to lose weight, and that I want to be kind and gentle with myself and binging doesn’t get me any of those.