Ready to Write

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)

It’s been an entire year since I retired from the practice of law. I’ve loved this time off. I’ve spent time with my dog and my husband and de-stressed. While a lot of what I’ve been “doing” is simply trying to “be”, I have also been doing quite a bit of “doing”. I’ve been reading, a lot. Especially lots of spiritual reading and anything related to A Course in Miracles. I’ve been studying the Course itself and practicing living its teachings. I’ve been exercising quite a bit too. Especially these last 15 weeks since my husband and I started doing P90X, which is amazing! Since last year, I’ve lost over thirty pounds and I feel really great (my goal is to lose another 50).

I’ve also been writing. I want to be a writer. There, I got that out. I want to write articles and books and blogs and journals, and well you get it. Actually what I really want to be is a thinner, happier, more peaceful me and a writer too. And I have been writing. I’ve been journaling and free writing (in the Natalie Goldberg tradition) and I started this blog several months ago. Unfortunately, I’ve only posted once and I have yet to have any writing that is ready to be seen by anyone else.

I started reading other blogs, but never commented. There are some really amazing blogs out there. Although the blogs were inspiring I ended up even more scared. What could I possibly have to say that would help anyone? What could I have to say that anyone else would even care about?

The problem is that I got scared. I got really terrified to put myself “out there”. What if no one read my blog? What if someone read it and hated it? What if I can’t lose the weight? What if I can’t write? I’m filled with so many doubts and so much resistance. The doubts and resistance have a way of taking over and when they do, I don’t move forward. I get stuck. I’ve been stuck since that first post all those weeks ago.

I don’t want to be stuck any more. What’s pushed me to get unstuck, right now with this post, is an excellent blog called Escape from Obesity. Lyn is amazing, inspiring, and is so in touch with her feelings. So much of what she says is pertinent in my life with my weight issues.

Lyn recently posted about another blogger - Bethany who suddenly died from a heart attack. In honor of Bethany, Lyn has graciously started The Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll for the personal weight loss and related blogging community. The number of people who have already asked to be included surprised me. There are so many people that want to honor Bethany and offer support and encouragement to each other. It is truly inspirational and is the kick in the pants I need to move forward.

After all, how could I possibly be scared of a community like that? I can’t. And in fact, I want to be a part of that community. And that is why I have joined Bethany’s blogroll and I have made this post and I am committing to myself that I am really going to post regularly, I am going to put my writing and my life out there. I have so much to say and share and learn. Look out blog world - hear I come!

Thank you Lyn. Thank you Bethany. Thank you to all of you who are joining Bethany’s blogroll. I look forward to getting to know you all. And I’d love to hear from you too, please let me know how blogging has changed your life.

Free at Last

You may have noticed the quote at the top of my blog by Rumi: Take an axe to the prison wall. Escape. Walk out like somebody suddenly born into color. Do it now.

This is how it felt when I left the practice of law, almost one year ago. I felt like I was breaking out of solitary confinement and walking out into the sunlight for the first time in 18 years. I was liberated, free. And hopefully, I’ll never have to return to practicing law again.

I say hopefully because I left the law once before. After practicing about ten years, I was unhappy with the practice, with the people I was working with, with the people I was working for, and mostly with myself. I was literally sick to my stomach having to go to work each day and was a bit overwhelmed with the responsibility.

So I quit my job when I couldn’t stand it any more. I told people I was taking a sabbatical. I relaxed and got into shape and decided to become a life coach. The classes were fun, I was in school again (I would love to be a professional student, but that’s another story) and learning and loving it. Unfortunately, rather than making a go of the coaching business, I somehow became delusional and decided I should go back to practicing law.

I got a job at a larger firm than I was used to and only lasted six months. Talk about being all about the money! I was working lots of hours and had lots of billable hour requirements and I hated it. Then I found a great job working with a sole practitioner and doing contract work. At first it really was great, I could set my own hours and I was getting paid really well. It started out fun and profitable and I told people it was the best job around…if I had to be a lawyer, that is.

I knew that I wasn’t being true to myself though. I was deceiving myself and doing it basically for the money. Thinking that someday we’d be able to retire and then I’d figure out what I really wanted to do. But over the course of the next three and a half years things went downhill. My health deteriorated. I gained weight and had a few health scares that luckily ending up not being serious. I also became depressed and eventually sought out therapy (again - but that’s another story too) and went on anti-depressants for the first, and hopefully only time.

The therapy helped immensely. And during the year and half I was in therapy I discovered A Course in Miracles and it has saved me. I began studying the Course and slowly I began stripping away layers of myself that were no longer serving me.

I was able to look at my identity as a lawyer, all that it provided me over the years, the good and the not so good, money, stability, security, relationships, prestige, status, worry, depression, lots of bad jokes, lots of sleepless nights, lots of stress and anxiety. The pain of it had eaten up enough of my life. I wanted to walk away from it.

On the one hand it was an easy decision. I could for sure give up all the bad stuff. But could I give up the good stuff? So much of my identity was tied into being a lawyer. Like being a lawyer made me special in some way. What would I do with my life if I wasn’t a lawyer? What would I be for God’s sake? Eventually, the pain finally began to outweigh all the positives and I knew that I had to quit being a lawyer finally and for good. So I did. Woo Hoo!!

Now I can say with certainty that I do not practice law any more. I am not a lawyer any more. I am me and I just happened to have had a job description of lawyer for the last 18 years.

People often ask me what I “do” now that I don’t have a job and I often times feel cornered, like oh my god, I don’t “do” anything any more! Why do we constantly have to be doing something? Why can’t we just “be”? Why can’t I just “be”?

I want to be me. Whoever the hell that is. And that’s exactly what I’ve been “doing” for the last year now. Just “being” me. Taking time to rest, relax, and get to know myself and all my complexities. Now that I have taken the bold and powerful step into the light my journey is just getting started and I’m so looking forward to a beautiful, colorful, wild and fun ride!