EQUILIBRIUM

I hate trying on clothes. Even when I’m at home and it just me and the clothes. For this session I’m concentrating on the 16’s and 18’s. I’m getting ready to go to Phoenix next week, a road trip with Sophie so see my folks. And I need some spring and summer clothes. So I haul them up from the basement and lay them on the bed and get ready to jump in. I’m cautiously optimistic and hope I can find some good fitting things I haven’t been able to wear for a while.

I love that I’ve lost 30 pounds over the last year and I’m getting into good physical shape. After doing 15 weeks of P90X: 6 days a week of resistance training, intense cardio and yoga, I can actually feel the muscles in my arms and legs. It feels great to be doing something and see my bicep flex. I’ve actually got some muscle definition. WooHoo. The sad part is that I’ve still got lots of fat covering the muscle and especially in places like my lower abdomen. I seem to carry a roll of fat all the way around my lower abdominals and hips. Yuck. And the other sad thing is that this is the same 30 pounds I lost and then gained back about three years ago.

On the one hand I’m congratulating myself and feeling good about being 30 pounds lighter, and on the other I’m berating myself because it’s the same 30 pounds I’ve been messing with for the last several years. Oh well, it is what it is.

Even more frustrating, though, is the fact that I’m in between sizes. 18’s are too big, and I’m swimming in some of my 18 jeans. But wouldn’t you know that the 16’s are just a little too snug. I can get them zipped up but they are tight and I wouldn’t want to sit in them for an extended period of time. The 18’s look baggy and I love that feel, but they also look kind of sloppy. The 16’s make me look thinner, but my fat rolls over the tops a bit, and I hate that. I’m going to be uncomfortable in either size. My kingdom for a size 17!

Now is the time when I would normally, as in most of the time, get pissed off and frustrated and angry. Why can’t anything fit? Why can’t I be smaller already? Why do I have to keep dealing with this same 30 pounds, and the next 50? Why can’t I just be skinny already? I’ve been known to go into a downward spiral of tears and depression and binging following one of these clothes sessions that can sometimes last for days or even weeks.

This also happens quite regularly when I weigh myself too. Unfortunately my confidence usually seems to come and go with the number on the scale and the size of the clothes. I get excited and feel confident when my clothes feel loose and I’m losing weight. But then the confidence plummets when I can’t fit into smaller clothes or the scale doesn’t move as fast as I want.

Amazingly, this time was different. I did a great job of keeping my equilibrium. It’s one of the things I’ve been working on. Keeping things in perspective. My happiness and self worth DO NOT depend on my size and my weight. I know I am a wonderful and worthy person, and that doesn’t change with my weight or my size. I’m finally learning to love and accept myself no matter what. I can’t tell you how amazing it is to finally feel that way…I’ve been trying to get to this peaceful state for most of my 50 years. And quite frankly now that I’m at that place most of the time, I wouldn’t trade that feeling of peace and calm and joy for any number on the scale or any size! (Well at least I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t?!?!) Either way, I’ll keep moving forward!

Ready to Write

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)

It’s been an entire year since I retired from the practice of law. I’ve loved this time off. I’ve spent time with my dog and my husband and de-stressed. While a lot of what I’ve been “doing” is simply trying to “be”, I have also been doing quite a bit of “doing”. I’ve been reading, a lot. Especially lots of spiritual reading and anything related to A Course in Miracles. I’ve been studying the Course itself and practicing living its teachings. I’ve been exercising quite a bit too. Especially these last 15 weeks since my husband and I started doing P90X, which is amazing! Since last year, I’ve lost over thirty pounds and I feel really great (my goal is to lose another 50).

I’ve also been writing. I want to be a writer. There, I got that out. I want to write articles and books and blogs and journals, and well you get it. Actually what I really want to be is a thinner, happier, more peaceful me and a writer too. And I have been writing. I’ve been journaling and free writing (in the Natalie Goldberg tradition) and I started this blog several months ago. Unfortunately, I’ve only posted once and I have yet to have any writing that is ready to be seen by anyone else.

I started reading other blogs, but never commented. There are some really amazing blogs out there. Although the blogs were inspiring I ended up even more scared. What could I possibly have to say that would help anyone? What could I have to say that anyone else would even care about?

The problem is that I got scared. I got really terrified to put myself “out there”. What if no one read my blog? What if someone read it and hated it? What if I can’t lose the weight? What if I can’t write? I’m filled with so many doubts and so much resistance. The doubts and resistance have a way of taking over and when they do, I don’t move forward. I get stuck. I’ve been stuck since that first post all those weeks ago.

I don’t want to be stuck any more. What’s pushed me to get unstuck, right now with this post, is an excellent blog called Escape from Obesity. Lyn is amazing, inspiring, and is so in touch with her feelings. So much of what she says is pertinent in my life with my weight issues.

Lyn recently posted about another blogger - Bethany who suddenly died from a heart attack. In honor of Bethany, Lyn has graciously started The Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll for the personal weight loss and related blogging community. The number of people who have already asked to be included surprised me. There are so many people that want to honor Bethany and offer support and encouragement to each other. It is truly inspirational and is the kick in the pants I need to move forward.

After all, how could I possibly be scared of a community like that? I can’t. And in fact, I want to be a part of that community. And that is why I have joined Bethany’s blogroll and I have made this post and I am committing to myself that I am really going to post regularly, I am going to put my writing and my life out there. I have so much to say and share and learn. Look out blog world - hear I come!

Thank you Lyn. Thank you Bethany. Thank you to all of you who are joining Bethany’s blogroll. I look forward to getting to know you all. And I’d love to hear from you too, please let me know how blogging has changed your life.