Acceptance

Let all things be exactly as they are. Let all things be exactly as they are. I kept repeating this in my head over and over on vacation. Let all things be exactly as they are. I wanted this vacation to be fun and I wanted to be easygoing and comfortable in my body and on a boat with seven other people, out on the ocean, wearing bathing suits and shorts the entire time!

As soon as we moored for the first night everyone started jumping into the ocean. Fear crawled up my spine and alerted me to the fact that if I wanted to join in I’d have to take off my shorts and reveal my thighs for the first time. Part of me wanted to run and hide, but not really. Let all things be exactly as they are, I told myself. I wanted to have fun and jump joyously into the ocean and splash around and talk and laugh with the others.

I had a huge choice to make and somehow I knew that this choice would set the tone for the whole trip. Would I be self-conscious and reserved and uncomfortable the entire time? Or would I accept that I was exactly how I was that day? I was a size 18, in a one piece bathing suit, with dimpled thighs and only slightly defined muscles. I was with seven other people in the Caribbean Ocean on a private boat, with the sun shining and the others laughing and having fun.

I wanted fun and that’s what I chose. I stripped off my shorts and jumped into the water. I let myself feel the scared part. Will everyone notice my thighs? Will I get dunked in the water? Will I be okay?

The fear melted away and I felt the warm water surrounding me. It molded to my body and I felt buoyed and supported. I swam to the others and joined in the laughter as one of the guys started delivering beers to everyone. It was amazing and liberating. I laughed so hard it hurt!

That choice definitely did set the tone for the rest of the trip. It wasn’t that I didn’t have all the crazy voices calling to me and telling me to be scared of trying new things, be embarrassed by your body, try to hide. But I was able to hear them and not give into their calls to have me sit on the sidelines and be miserable because I wasn’t a size 12. I was able to hear the crazy voices and choose to let them go - go to hell that is! I told them to stay away from me and my vacation. I was determined to have fun and be comfortable in the body I have.

And the result was that I had fun. Tons of fun. And while I must have repeated my mantra ten thousand times over the course of the week, overall it was the most comfortable I’ve been on vacation in … well forever really. I was able to relax and enjoy the sun and the ocean and the other people. I was able to enjoy being me! How cool is that?

Bathing Suit Blues

My husband and I are getting ready to go on vacation for eight days. Eight glorious days of sun and the ocean and scuba diving and eating and drinking and ….wearing nothing but bathing suits and shorts for eight whole days! I’m very excited and at the same time I’m scared to death.

It seems like every time we're getting close to the actual date of leaving for vacation the excitement is tempered and suppressed by fear. I am so afraid of going on vacation in a fat body. I tell myself my body is too fat and I don’t want to be seen in shorts and bathing suits on the beach or on a boat or while I’m scuba diving. It’s like because I’m fat, I tell myself I don’t deserve to be on vacation and I certainly don’t deserve to have any fun. I should feel ashamed the entire time because I am fat.

This vacation seems especially scary because we’re going with three other couples. And you can bet that I will be the fattest woman there. The eight of us are renting a live aboard catamaran and will spend the time scuba diving and travelling around all of the islands in the British Virgin Islands. The scary part is that I’ll be spending all that time with people I know and will need to interact with. I won’t just be an anonymous person on the beach crowded with lots of people, like a lot of our vacations are like. I’ll be with three beautiful women. I’m embarrassed and scared to have a bathing suit on, baring my fat and dimpled thighs and wearing a one piece (I’m sure the other ladies will all be wearing bikinis!) and my stomach bulging and my arms quivering with my every move. It sounds horrific and sad and scary and everything all at once.

And in reality, it isn’t that bad. I know I’m not as fat as that makes me sound! I’m harder on myself than anyone else. I beat up on myself the most. After all, I’ve lost a bit of weight since the last vacation we went on. I’ve just completed four solid months of intense exercise and have more muscle definition than I have had in many years. I’m in good shape, I can walk and lift things and have tons more energy. I will definitely have more stamina when we scuba dive and walk around the islands on this vacation.

This promises to be an amazing trip. I’m looking forward to it. It WILL be fun! The people we are going with are good friends and great people and a riot to be with. We’ll be on a boat in the Caribbean Islands for God’s sake! I love the ocean and scuba diving and reading and lounging in the sun and being with fun people. I could have so much fun and I'm so fortunate to be going on this trip.

I have a choice to make. I can either be scared and unkind to myself during the entire trip, feeling mad and angry and scared and not enjoying myself much. Or I can choose to feel good about myself and appreciate how far I’ve come (even if no one else knows, notices or cares that I’ve come this far, I know and I care!). I can choose to be confident in my body and in the new bathing suits I bought and enjoy the people and the experiences.

I think I’ll choose to have fun! I’m determined to have fun and be comfortable with the body I have right now! I'll let you know how it goes.

Get Real!

I need to get real with myself. Start being more honest with myself. Mostly around food, but in some other areas too. I’ve been eating too much, mostly when I am alone. I fool myself by telling myself that it’s mostly “healthy” food so it’s okay, and that I’ve been exercising a lot and need to eat more. I’ve also been eating a lot when I’m not hungry and eating to numb myself out. I know I want to lose weight and be healthy, but I let myself eat more than is healthy for me. Part of getting real is owning up to mistakes and so here goes.

The other night I binged. I didn’t plan the binge. In fact, I planned a healthy dinner, roasted eggplant and a salad. But in the back of my mind all day long I was aware and looking forward to the fact that my husband would be gone for the evening and I would be all alone. I’d be “free” to binge. No one would be around and I could let loose.

When he left I had a chorus of voices in my head. One was proclaiming loudly “Woo Hoo, I’m all alone, I have several hours to do whatever I want to do. Let’s eat!” Another yelled “You’ll be sorry if you let go and eat. You know you’re not hungry you fat pig.” Another said “Remember that you want to lose weight and be healthy. You don’t have to eat. Be kind to yourself.”

I turned off all the voices and headed to the refrigerator. It certainly wasn’t my worst binge. My binges in the last year or so have been like this one. Smaller, less food and not my favorite binge foods like chips and pretzels and crackers. Luckily we don’t keep those foods around the house any more! But I did eat cheese and nuts and whole wheat bread. I told myself it’s a “healthy” binge because the foods are healthier than chips and pretzels and crackers. Ha! See, I really do need to get real. I binged, plain and simple.

The next day I felt like shit. Hung-over, sluggish, tired, like I weighed 1000 pounds. And I also felt guilty. I’m trying to lose weight after all and we leave for vacation in less than a week!

I know it’s not worth it. I do! For some reason though, I just let myself forget that sometimes. I lose control. But now that it’s over I know it doesn’t do any good to beat myself up. I made a mistake. I need to simply own up to the mistake and move on. Wallowing in guilt will just lead me to more pain and misery, possibly in the form of another binge. And I surely don’t want that.

Instead I’ll acknowledge the mistakes I made and correct them. I know I eat too much when I am alone. In the future when I am alone, especially in the late afternoon or evening, I will enjoy the alone time with out eating. Instead I will do something I love doing that does not involve eating. I have tons of things I could do, write, read, blog, walk Sophie, dance, knit, etc.

Most importantly though, I will be vigilant with myself and be aware of my thoughts so I can catch myself in time and not just go into autopilot. I will be honest with myself in these moments and really make a conscious choice. Do I want to binge or do I want to be loving and kind to myself? I will remind myself that I want to be healthy, I want to lose weight, and that I want to be kind and gentle with myself and binging doesn’t get me any of those.