Guiltless

As we walked up to the courtyard where my cousin’s daughter was to be married, I spotted my aunt and uncle greeting people. I took my sunglasses off and felt the butterflies in my stomach. I shouldn’t be so nervous to see them, but it’s been a long time - over 15 years - and I am afraid I won’t be welcomed by my uncle. I took a deep breath and relaxed. I encouraged myself to just go straight up to him and give him a hug and say hello. Another deep breath and I smiled and walked the remaining steps with my head held high. I gave my aunt a hug and we talked for a moment. Then as we finished, I turned to my uncle who had averted his eyes and looked as if he wanted to be somewhere - anywhere - except there with me approaching him. I stepped over to him and put my arms around him and said “Hello, it’s good to see you.” He didn’t return my embrace nor did he say anything, and while it’s what I expected, I was still disappointed.

Why had I been so foolish as to think he would welcome me, embrace me, show me any warmth at all? I knew he and my mother were still feuding after all these years. I knew he was still holding a grudge against her and me and our entire family. I knew he wouldn’t have gotten over the anger and resentment he must be feeling towards us to treat us this way.

I wanted to slap him. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to ask him why the hell he was mad at me? I hadn’t caused the problems between him and my mother. He shouldn’t hold his anger towards her against me.

And yet…I felt guilty about the situation. I wanted to make peace. Life is too short, can’t we all just get along? I felt guilty for how I did participate in the legal issues between him and my mother. I was fresh out of law school and trying to please her by helping her with her business issues with him. And now I felt guilty for not being able to resolve their anger toward each other. I’ve talked to my mom before about forgiving him. She feels like she made an overture once and when he didn’t accept her peace offering she was justified in hating him. I wish I could talk to him too and try to reason with him to give up his anger and forgive her and me. I wish everyone could be happy.

I’m also tired of feeling guilty about something that I can’t control and I can’t change. I know in my heart that I can’t change my mother and I certainly can’t change my uncle who won’t even give me the time of day. And you know what, I also know that it’s not my job to change them or to make them happy or to make them forgive each other.

My only responsibility is to me. How do I want to be and what do I want to be? What I want is to be happy. I want to love and accept my mother and my uncle exactly as they are, even when they are unable to love each other. Feeling guilty won’t make me happy or loving that’s for sure.

What I wanted in that moment was to remember my uncle as he was when I was growing up and how much fun I had with him and my aunt and my cousins. I have a lot of happy and loving memories. I also acknowledged that he must be in a lot of pain and the best thing I could do for him was to let him be. So I silently told him I loved him and that he could be mad if he wanted to, but that I was going to go spend time with my cousins and their families. I was going to have fun and celebrate and not feel guilty!

And that’s exactly what I did. I walked away from my uncle and over to where all my cousins and their kids were and reunited with them and you know what, I had an amazing time! I hope my uncle had fun too!

What are you feeling guilty about and what can you do to release that guilt and feel loving toward yourself?

Acceptance

Let all things be exactly as they are. Let all things be exactly as they are. I kept repeating this in my head over and over on vacation. Let all things be exactly as they are. I wanted this vacation to be fun and I wanted to be easygoing and comfortable in my body and on a boat with seven other people, out on the ocean, wearing bathing suits and shorts the entire time!

As soon as we moored for the first night everyone started jumping into the ocean. Fear crawled up my spine and alerted me to the fact that if I wanted to join in I’d have to take off my shorts and reveal my thighs for the first time. Part of me wanted to run and hide, but not really. Let all things be exactly as they are, I told myself. I wanted to have fun and jump joyously into the ocean and splash around and talk and laugh with the others.

I had a huge choice to make and somehow I knew that this choice would set the tone for the whole trip. Would I be self-conscious and reserved and uncomfortable the entire time? Or would I accept that I was exactly how I was that day? I was a size 18, in a one piece bathing suit, with dimpled thighs and only slightly defined muscles. I was with seven other people in the Caribbean Ocean on a private boat, with the sun shining and the others laughing and having fun.

I wanted fun and that’s what I chose. I stripped off my shorts and jumped into the water. I let myself feel the scared part. Will everyone notice my thighs? Will I get dunked in the water? Will I be okay?

The fear melted away and I felt the warm water surrounding me. It molded to my body and I felt buoyed and supported. I swam to the others and joined in the laughter as one of the guys started delivering beers to everyone. It was amazing and liberating. I laughed so hard it hurt!

That choice definitely did set the tone for the rest of the trip. It wasn’t that I didn’t have all the crazy voices calling to me and telling me to be scared of trying new things, be embarrassed by your body, try to hide. But I was able to hear them and not give into their calls to have me sit on the sidelines and be miserable because I wasn’t a size 12. I was able to hear the crazy voices and choose to let them go - go to hell that is! I told them to stay away from me and my vacation. I was determined to have fun and be comfortable in the body I have.

And the result was that I had fun. Tons of fun. And while I must have repeated my mantra ten thousand times over the course of the week, overall it was the most comfortable I’ve been on vacation in … well forever really. I was able to relax and enjoy the sun and the ocean and the other people. I was able to enjoy being me! How cool is that?

Bathing Suit Blues

My husband and I are getting ready to go on vacation for eight days. Eight glorious days of sun and the ocean and scuba diving and eating and drinking and ….wearing nothing but bathing suits and shorts for eight whole days! I’m very excited and at the same time I’m scared to death.

It seems like every time we're getting close to the actual date of leaving for vacation the excitement is tempered and suppressed by fear. I am so afraid of going on vacation in a fat body. I tell myself my body is too fat and I don’t want to be seen in shorts and bathing suits on the beach or on a boat or while I’m scuba diving. It’s like because I’m fat, I tell myself I don’t deserve to be on vacation and I certainly don’t deserve to have any fun. I should feel ashamed the entire time because I am fat.

This vacation seems especially scary because we’re going with three other couples. And you can bet that I will be the fattest woman there. The eight of us are renting a live aboard catamaran and will spend the time scuba diving and travelling around all of the islands in the British Virgin Islands. The scary part is that I’ll be spending all that time with people I know and will need to interact with. I won’t just be an anonymous person on the beach crowded with lots of people, like a lot of our vacations are like. I’ll be with three beautiful women. I’m embarrassed and scared to have a bathing suit on, baring my fat and dimpled thighs and wearing a one piece (I’m sure the other ladies will all be wearing bikinis!) and my stomach bulging and my arms quivering with my every move. It sounds horrific and sad and scary and everything all at once.

And in reality, it isn’t that bad. I know I’m not as fat as that makes me sound! I’m harder on myself than anyone else. I beat up on myself the most. After all, I’ve lost a bit of weight since the last vacation we went on. I’ve just completed four solid months of intense exercise and have more muscle definition than I have had in many years. I’m in good shape, I can walk and lift things and have tons more energy. I will definitely have more stamina when we scuba dive and walk around the islands on this vacation.

This promises to be an amazing trip. I’m looking forward to it. It WILL be fun! The people we are going with are good friends and great people and a riot to be with. We’ll be on a boat in the Caribbean Islands for God’s sake! I love the ocean and scuba diving and reading and lounging in the sun and being with fun people. I could have so much fun and I'm so fortunate to be going on this trip.

I have a choice to make. I can either be scared and unkind to myself during the entire trip, feeling mad and angry and scared and not enjoying myself much. Or I can choose to feel good about myself and appreciate how far I’ve come (even if no one else knows, notices or cares that I’ve come this far, I know and I care!). I can choose to be confident in my body and in the new bathing suits I bought and enjoy the people and the experiences.

I think I’ll choose to have fun! I’m determined to have fun and be comfortable with the body I have right now! I'll let you know how it goes.

Get Real!

I need to get real with myself. Start being more honest with myself. Mostly around food, but in some other areas too. I’ve been eating too much, mostly when I am alone. I fool myself by telling myself that it’s mostly “healthy” food so it’s okay, and that I’ve been exercising a lot and need to eat more. I’ve also been eating a lot when I’m not hungry and eating to numb myself out. I know I want to lose weight and be healthy, but I let myself eat more than is healthy for me. Part of getting real is owning up to mistakes and so here goes.

The other night I binged. I didn’t plan the binge. In fact, I planned a healthy dinner, roasted eggplant and a salad. But in the back of my mind all day long I was aware and looking forward to the fact that my husband would be gone for the evening and I would be all alone. I’d be “free” to binge. No one would be around and I could let loose.

When he left I had a chorus of voices in my head. One was proclaiming loudly “Woo Hoo, I’m all alone, I have several hours to do whatever I want to do. Let’s eat!” Another yelled “You’ll be sorry if you let go and eat. You know you’re not hungry you fat pig.” Another said “Remember that you want to lose weight and be healthy. You don’t have to eat. Be kind to yourself.”

I turned off all the voices and headed to the refrigerator. It certainly wasn’t my worst binge. My binges in the last year or so have been like this one. Smaller, less food and not my favorite binge foods like chips and pretzels and crackers. Luckily we don’t keep those foods around the house any more! But I did eat cheese and nuts and whole wheat bread. I told myself it’s a “healthy” binge because the foods are healthier than chips and pretzels and crackers. Ha! See, I really do need to get real. I binged, plain and simple.

The next day I felt like shit. Hung-over, sluggish, tired, like I weighed 1000 pounds. And I also felt guilty. I’m trying to lose weight after all and we leave for vacation in less than a week!

I know it’s not worth it. I do! For some reason though, I just let myself forget that sometimes. I lose control. But now that it’s over I know it doesn’t do any good to beat myself up. I made a mistake. I need to simply own up to the mistake and move on. Wallowing in guilt will just lead me to more pain and misery, possibly in the form of another binge. And I surely don’t want that.

Instead I’ll acknowledge the mistakes I made and correct them. I know I eat too much when I am alone. In the future when I am alone, especially in the late afternoon or evening, I will enjoy the alone time with out eating. Instead I will do something I love doing that does not involve eating. I have tons of things I could do, write, read, blog, walk Sophie, dance, knit, etc.

Most importantly though, I will be vigilant with myself and be aware of my thoughts so I can catch myself in time and not just go into autopilot. I will be honest with myself in these moments and really make a conscious choice. Do I want to binge or do I want to be loving and kind to myself? I will remind myself that I want to be healthy, I want to lose weight, and that I want to be kind and gentle with myself and binging doesn’t get me any of those.

Monday Meanderings

I love springtime in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. We had over a foot of snow on Friday and today it has all melted and we’re expecting nearly 70°! So my husband and I decided to take a quick motorcycle ride. Riding is exhilarating. I love the feel of the wind on my face and being outside and breathing fresh air…well, until a big truck whizzes by. It’s definitely scary too. I think of going 65 miles an hour and hitting gravel or something and crashing. Not pleasant. But I try not to focus on that and just keep aware and relaxed and focusing on my surroundings. We rode past a field and stirred up a red tailed hawk. How cool is that! She took flight and soared over our heads and I could see the snow capped peaks in the distance. I can’t wait till it gets warmer though, because it was not 70 - closer to 60. Oh well, summer is coming fast!

Maybe part of what I love so much about riding is that we generally ride to a destination and often times that destination is a restaurant for lunch. And like other restaurant outings, I somehow consider each one a very special occasion, and worth eating anything I want. (I just don’t remember that we already eat out too much and it just isn’t that “special”.)

Anyway we went to Red Robin and I ate an entire hamburger and helped polish off three baskets of French fries with Ranch dressing. I love their hamburgers and French fries, even though I know they probably have a gazillion calories and tons of fat and salt in them. I’ve gotten into the habit of deluding myself that because I’m exercising so much I can eat anything I want. You’d think I’d know better (I do) and that I’d act differently (I don’t).

I’m pretty sure that until I can get this all figured out, I won’t be losing all of the weight I want to lose, or keeping it off even if I do. Right now I’m struggling with two, or more, ways to proceed:

1. I can “diet” - cut out all the white stuff, flour, sugar, rice, potatoes, cut out alcohol, and dairy products, heck I might even cut out all meat and go vegetarian OR

2. I can not give up anything that I can’t give up permanently and just focus on portion control and overall calories.

I’m not sure I could ever give up all of those things above forever anyway. I could give them up temporarily, and I’ve done it before, but after losing the weight and then adding them back in, I gained the weight again. Was it because of them or because I just started eating out of control again - large portions - no thoughts about calories or volume of food and eating pretty much as much as my husband?

I sure like the idea of not giving up stuff - I like an occasional drink and I don’t want to have to give it up totally. I like bread and cheese and all those things and I don’t want to have to give them up! The million dollar question is how willing am I to eat moderately healthy, eating the unhealthy stuff only on occasion and really paying attention to healthy portions?

Maybe that’s what I’ll do, I’ll choose the middle path and walk it with mindfulness and compassion for myself. That sounds good.

EQUILIBRIUM

I hate trying on clothes. Even when I’m at home and it just me and the clothes. For this session I’m concentrating on the 16’s and 18’s. I’m getting ready to go to Phoenix next week, a road trip with Sophie so see my folks. And I need some spring and summer clothes. So I haul them up from the basement and lay them on the bed and get ready to jump in. I’m cautiously optimistic and hope I can find some good fitting things I haven’t been able to wear for a while.

I love that I’ve lost 30 pounds over the last year and I’m getting into good physical shape. After doing 15 weeks of P90X: 6 days a week of resistance training, intense cardio and yoga, I can actually feel the muscles in my arms and legs. It feels great to be doing something and see my bicep flex. I’ve actually got some muscle definition. WooHoo. The sad part is that I’ve still got lots of fat covering the muscle and especially in places like my lower abdomen. I seem to carry a roll of fat all the way around my lower abdominals and hips. Yuck. And the other sad thing is that this is the same 30 pounds I lost and then gained back about three years ago.

On the one hand I’m congratulating myself and feeling good about being 30 pounds lighter, and on the other I’m berating myself because it’s the same 30 pounds I’ve been messing with for the last several years. Oh well, it is what it is.

Even more frustrating, though, is the fact that I’m in between sizes. 18’s are too big, and I’m swimming in some of my 18 jeans. But wouldn’t you know that the 16’s are just a little too snug. I can get them zipped up but they are tight and I wouldn’t want to sit in them for an extended period of time. The 18’s look baggy and I love that feel, but they also look kind of sloppy. The 16’s make me look thinner, but my fat rolls over the tops a bit, and I hate that. I’m going to be uncomfortable in either size. My kingdom for a size 17!

Now is the time when I would normally, as in most of the time, get pissed off and frustrated and angry. Why can’t anything fit? Why can’t I be smaller already? Why do I have to keep dealing with this same 30 pounds, and the next 50? Why can’t I just be skinny already? I’ve been known to go into a downward spiral of tears and depression and binging following one of these clothes sessions that can sometimes last for days or even weeks.

This also happens quite regularly when I weigh myself too. Unfortunately my confidence usually seems to come and go with the number on the scale and the size of the clothes. I get excited and feel confident when my clothes feel loose and I’m losing weight. But then the confidence plummets when I can’t fit into smaller clothes or the scale doesn’t move as fast as I want.

Amazingly, this time was different. I did a great job of keeping my equilibrium. It’s one of the things I’ve been working on. Keeping things in perspective. My happiness and self worth DO NOT depend on my size and my weight. I know I am a wonderful and worthy person, and that doesn’t change with my weight or my size. I’m finally learning to love and accept myself no matter what. I can’t tell you how amazing it is to finally feel that way…I’ve been trying to get to this peaceful state for most of my 50 years. And quite frankly now that I’m at that place most of the time, I wouldn’t trade that feeling of peace and calm and joy for any number on the scale or any size! (Well at least I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t?!?!) Either way, I’ll keep moving forward!

Ready to Write

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self. ~Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)

It’s been an entire year since I retired from the practice of law. I’ve loved this time off. I’ve spent time with my dog and my husband and de-stressed. While a lot of what I’ve been “doing” is simply trying to “be”, I have also been doing quite a bit of “doing”. I’ve been reading, a lot. Especially lots of spiritual reading and anything related to A Course in Miracles. I’ve been studying the Course itself and practicing living its teachings. I’ve been exercising quite a bit too. Especially these last 15 weeks since my husband and I started doing P90X, which is amazing! Since last year, I’ve lost over thirty pounds and I feel really great (my goal is to lose another 50).

I’ve also been writing. I want to be a writer. There, I got that out. I want to write articles and books and blogs and journals, and well you get it. Actually what I really want to be is a thinner, happier, more peaceful me and a writer too. And I have been writing. I’ve been journaling and free writing (in the Natalie Goldberg tradition) and I started this blog several months ago. Unfortunately, I’ve only posted once and I have yet to have any writing that is ready to be seen by anyone else.

I started reading other blogs, but never commented. There are some really amazing blogs out there. Although the blogs were inspiring I ended up even more scared. What could I possibly have to say that would help anyone? What could I have to say that anyone else would even care about?

The problem is that I got scared. I got really terrified to put myself “out there”. What if no one read my blog? What if someone read it and hated it? What if I can’t lose the weight? What if I can’t write? I’m filled with so many doubts and so much resistance. The doubts and resistance have a way of taking over and when they do, I don’t move forward. I get stuck. I’ve been stuck since that first post all those weeks ago.

I don’t want to be stuck any more. What’s pushed me to get unstuck, right now with this post, is an excellent blog called Escape from Obesity. Lyn is amazing, inspiring, and is so in touch with her feelings. So much of what she says is pertinent in my life with my weight issues.

Lyn recently posted about another blogger - Bethany who suddenly died from a heart attack. In honor of Bethany, Lyn has graciously started The Bethany McDonald Memorial Blogroll for the personal weight loss and related blogging community. The number of people who have already asked to be included surprised me. There are so many people that want to honor Bethany and offer support and encouragement to each other. It is truly inspirational and is the kick in the pants I need to move forward.

After all, how could I possibly be scared of a community like that? I can’t. And in fact, I want to be a part of that community. And that is why I have joined Bethany’s blogroll and I have made this post and I am committing to myself that I am really going to post regularly, I am going to put my writing and my life out there. I have so much to say and share and learn. Look out blog world - hear I come!

Thank you Lyn. Thank you Bethany. Thank you to all of you who are joining Bethany’s blogroll. I look forward to getting to know you all. And I’d love to hear from you too, please let me know how blogging has changed your life.

Free at Last

You may have noticed the quote at the top of my blog by Rumi: Take an axe to the prison wall. Escape. Walk out like somebody suddenly born into color. Do it now.

This is how it felt when I left the practice of law, almost one year ago. I felt like I was breaking out of solitary confinement and walking out into the sunlight for the first time in 18 years. I was liberated, free. And hopefully, I’ll never have to return to practicing law again.

I say hopefully because I left the law once before. After practicing about ten years, I was unhappy with the practice, with the people I was working with, with the people I was working for, and mostly with myself. I was literally sick to my stomach having to go to work each day and was a bit overwhelmed with the responsibility.

So I quit my job when I couldn’t stand it any more. I told people I was taking a sabbatical. I relaxed and got into shape and decided to become a life coach. The classes were fun, I was in school again (I would love to be a professional student, but that’s another story) and learning and loving it. Unfortunately, rather than making a go of the coaching business, I somehow became delusional and decided I should go back to practicing law.

I got a job at a larger firm than I was used to and only lasted six months. Talk about being all about the money! I was working lots of hours and had lots of billable hour requirements and I hated it. Then I found a great job working with a sole practitioner and doing contract work. At first it really was great, I could set my own hours and I was getting paid really well. It started out fun and profitable and I told people it was the best job around…if I had to be a lawyer, that is.

I knew that I wasn’t being true to myself though. I was deceiving myself and doing it basically for the money. Thinking that someday we’d be able to retire and then I’d figure out what I really wanted to do. But over the course of the next three and a half years things went downhill. My health deteriorated. I gained weight and had a few health scares that luckily ending up not being serious. I also became depressed and eventually sought out therapy (again - but that’s another story too) and went on anti-depressants for the first, and hopefully only time.

The therapy helped immensely. And during the year and half I was in therapy I discovered A Course in Miracles and it has saved me. I began studying the Course and slowly I began stripping away layers of myself that were no longer serving me.

I was able to look at my identity as a lawyer, all that it provided me over the years, the good and the not so good, money, stability, security, relationships, prestige, status, worry, depression, lots of bad jokes, lots of sleepless nights, lots of stress and anxiety. The pain of it had eaten up enough of my life. I wanted to walk away from it.

On the one hand it was an easy decision. I could for sure give up all the bad stuff. But could I give up the good stuff? So much of my identity was tied into being a lawyer. Like being a lawyer made me special in some way. What would I do with my life if I wasn’t a lawyer? What would I be for God’s sake? Eventually, the pain finally began to outweigh all the positives and I knew that I had to quit being a lawyer finally and for good. So I did. Woo Hoo!!

Now I can say with certainty that I do not practice law any more. I am not a lawyer any more. I am me and I just happened to have had a job description of lawyer for the last 18 years.

People often ask me what I “do” now that I don’t have a job and I often times feel cornered, like oh my god, I don’t “do” anything any more! Why do we constantly have to be doing something? Why can’t we just “be”? Why can’t I just “be”?

I want to be me. Whoever the hell that is. And that’s exactly what I’ve been “doing” for the last year now. Just “being” me. Taking time to rest, relax, and get to know myself and all my complexities. Now that I have taken the bold and powerful step into the light my journey is just getting started and I’m so looking forward to a beautiful, colorful, wild and fun ride!