Get Real!

I need to get real with myself. Start being more honest with myself. Mostly around food, but in some other areas too. I’ve been eating too much, mostly when I am alone. I fool myself by telling myself that it’s mostly “healthy” food so it’s okay, and that I’ve been exercising a lot and need to eat more. I’ve also been eating a lot when I’m not hungry and eating to numb myself out. I know I want to lose weight and be healthy, but I let myself eat more than is healthy for me. Part of getting real is owning up to mistakes and so here goes.

The other night I binged. I didn’t plan the binge. In fact, I planned a healthy dinner, roasted eggplant and a salad. But in the back of my mind all day long I was aware and looking forward to the fact that my husband would be gone for the evening and I would be all alone. I’d be “free” to binge. No one would be around and I could let loose.

When he left I had a chorus of voices in my head. One was proclaiming loudly “Woo Hoo, I’m all alone, I have several hours to do whatever I want to do. Let’s eat!” Another yelled “You’ll be sorry if you let go and eat. You know you’re not hungry you fat pig.” Another said “Remember that you want to lose weight and be healthy. You don’t have to eat. Be kind to yourself.”

I turned off all the voices and headed to the refrigerator. It certainly wasn’t my worst binge. My binges in the last year or so have been like this one. Smaller, less food and not my favorite binge foods like chips and pretzels and crackers. Luckily we don’t keep those foods around the house any more! But I did eat cheese and nuts and whole wheat bread. I told myself it’s a “healthy” binge because the foods are healthier than chips and pretzels and crackers. Ha! See, I really do need to get real. I binged, plain and simple.

The next day I felt like shit. Hung-over, sluggish, tired, like I weighed 1000 pounds. And I also felt guilty. I’m trying to lose weight after all and we leave for vacation in less than a week!

I know it’s not worth it. I do! For some reason though, I just let myself forget that sometimes. I lose control. But now that it’s over I know it doesn’t do any good to beat myself up. I made a mistake. I need to simply own up to the mistake and move on. Wallowing in guilt will just lead me to more pain and misery, possibly in the form of another binge. And I surely don’t want that.

Instead I’ll acknowledge the mistakes I made and correct them. I know I eat too much when I am alone. In the future when I am alone, especially in the late afternoon or evening, I will enjoy the alone time with out eating. Instead I will do something I love doing that does not involve eating. I have tons of things I could do, write, read, blog, walk Sophie, dance, knit, etc.

Most importantly though, I will be vigilant with myself and be aware of my thoughts so I can catch myself in time and not just go into autopilot. I will be honest with myself in these moments and really make a conscious choice. Do I want to binge or do I want to be loving and kind to myself? I will remind myself that I want to be healthy, I want to lose weight, and that I want to be kind and gentle with myself and binging doesn’t get me any of those.