Let all things be exactly as they are. Let all things be exactly as they are. I kept repeating this in my head over and over on vacation. Let all things be exactly as they are. I wanted this vacation to be fun and I wanted to be easygoing and comfortable in my body and on a boat with seven other people, out on the ocean, wearing bathing suits and shorts the entire time!
As soon as we moored for the first night everyone started jumping into the ocean. Fear crawled up my spine and alerted me to the fact that if I wanted to join in I’d have to take off my shorts and reveal my thighs for the first time. Part of me wanted to run and hide, but not really. Let all things be exactly as they are, I told myself. I wanted to have fun and jump joyously into the ocean and splash around and talk and laugh with the others.
I had a huge choice to make and somehow I knew that this choice would set the tone for the whole trip. Would I be self-conscious and reserved and uncomfortable the entire time? Or would I accept that I was exactly how I was that day? I was a size 18, in a one piece bathing suit, with dimpled thighs and only slightly defined muscles. I was with seven other people in the Caribbean Ocean on a private boat, with the sun shining and the others laughing and having fun.
I wanted fun and that’s what I chose. I stripped off my shorts and jumped into the water. I let myself feel the scared part. Will everyone notice my thighs? Will I get dunked in the water? Will I be okay?
The fear melted away and I felt the warm water surrounding me. It molded to my body and I felt buoyed and supported. I swam to the others and joined in the laughter as one of the guys started delivering beers to everyone. It was amazing and liberating. I laughed so hard it hurt!
That choice definitely did set the tone for the rest of the trip. It wasn’t that I didn’t have all the crazy voices calling to me and telling me to be scared of trying new things, be embarrassed by your body, try to hide. But I was able to hear them and not give into their calls to have me sit on the sidelines and be miserable because I wasn’t a size 12. I was able to hear the crazy voices and choose to let them go - go to hell that is! I told them to stay away from me and my vacation. I was determined to have fun and be comfortable in the body I have.
As soon as we moored for the first night everyone started jumping into the ocean. Fear crawled up my spine and alerted me to the fact that if I wanted to join in I’d have to take off my shorts and reveal my thighs for the first time. Part of me wanted to run and hide, but not really. Let all things be exactly as they are, I told myself. I wanted to have fun and jump joyously into the ocean and splash around and talk and laugh with the others.
I had a huge choice to make and somehow I knew that this choice would set the tone for the whole trip. Would I be self-conscious and reserved and uncomfortable the entire time? Or would I accept that I was exactly how I was that day? I was a size 18, in a one piece bathing suit, with dimpled thighs and only slightly defined muscles. I was with seven other people in the Caribbean Ocean on a private boat, with the sun shining and the others laughing and having fun.
I wanted fun and that’s what I chose. I stripped off my shorts and jumped into the water. I let myself feel the scared part. Will everyone notice my thighs? Will I get dunked in the water? Will I be okay?
The fear melted away and I felt the warm water surrounding me. It molded to my body and I felt buoyed and supported. I swam to the others and joined in the laughter as one of the guys started delivering beers to everyone. It was amazing and liberating. I laughed so hard it hurt!
That choice definitely did set the tone for the rest of the trip. It wasn’t that I didn’t have all the crazy voices calling to me and telling me to be scared of trying new things, be embarrassed by your body, try to hide. But I was able to hear them and not give into their calls to have me sit on the sidelines and be miserable because I wasn’t a size 12. I was able to hear the crazy voices and choose to let them go - go to hell that is! I told them to stay away from me and my vacation. I was determined to have fun and be comfortable in the body I have.
And the result was that I had fun. Tons of fun. And while I must have repeated my mantra ten thousand times over the course of the week, overall it was the most comfortable I’ve been on vacation in … well forever really. I was able to relax and enjoy the sun and the ocean and the other people. I was able to enjoy being me! How cool is that?
