I hate trying on clothes. Even when I’m at home and it just me and the clothes. For this session I’m concentrating on the 16’s and 18’s. I’m getting ready to go to Phoenix next week, a road trip with Sophie so see my folks. And I need some spring and summer clothes. So I haul them up from the basement and lay them on the bed and get ready to jump in. I’m cautiously optimistic and hope I can find some good fitting things I haven’t been able to wear for a while.
I love that I’ve lost 30 pounds over the last year and I’m getting into good physical shape. After doing 15 weeks of P90X: 6 days a week of resistance training, intense cardio and yoga, I can actually feel the muscles in my arms and legs. It feels great to be doing something and see my bicep flex. I’ve actually got some muscle definition. WooHoo. The sad part is that I’ve still got lots of fat covering the muscle and especially in places like my lower abdomen. I seem to carry a roll of fat all the way around my lower abdominals and hips. Yuck. And the other sad thing is that this is the same 30 pounds I lost and then gained back about three years ago.
On the one hand I’m congratulating myself and feeling good about being 30 pounds lighter, and on the other I’m berating myself because it’s the same 30 pounds I’ve been messing with for the last several years. Oh well, it is what it is.
Even more frustrating, though, is the fact that I’m in between sizes. 18’s are too big, and I’m swimming in some of my 18 jeans. But wouldn’t you know that the 16’s are just a little too snug. I can get them zipped up but they are tight and I wouldn’t want to sit in them for an extended period of time. The 18’s look baggy and I love that feel, but they also look kind of sloppy. The 16’s make me look thinner, but my fat rolls over the tops a bit, and I hate that. I’m going to be uncomfortable in either size. My kingdom for a size 17!
Now is the time when I would normally, as in most of the time, get pissed off and frustrated and angry. Why can’t anything fit? Why can’t I be smaller already? Why do I have to keep dealing with this same 30 pounds, and the next 50? Why can’t I just be skinny already? I’ve been known to go into a downward spiral of tears and depression and binging following one of these clothes sessions that can sometimes last for days or even weeks.
This also happens quite regularly when I weigh myself too. Unfortunately my confidence usually seems to come and go with the number on the scale and the size of the clothes. I get excited and feel confident when my clothes feel loose and I’m losing weight. But then the confidence plummets when I can’t fit into smaller clothes or the scale doesn’t move as fast as I want.
Amazingly, this time was different. I did a great job of keeping my equilibrium. It’s one of the things I’ve been working on. Keeping things in perspective. My happiness and self worth DO NOT depend on my size and my weight. I know I am a wonderful and worthy person, and that doesn’t change with my weight or my size. I’m finally learning to love and accept myself no matter what. I can’t tell you how amazing it is to finally feel that way…I’ve been trying to get to this peaceful state for most of my 50 years. And quite frankly now that I’m at that place most of the time, I wouldn’t trade that feeling of peace and calm and joy for any number on the scale or any size! (Well at least I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t?!?!) Either way, I’ll keep moving forward!
I love that I’ve lost 30 pounds over the last year and I’m getting into good physical shape. After doing 15 weeks of P90X: 6 days a week of resistance training, intense cardio and yoga, I can actually feel the muscles in my arms and legs. It feels great to be doing something and see my bicep flex. I’ve actually got some muscle definition. WooHoo. The sad part is that I’ve still got lots of fat covering the muscle and especially in places like my lower abdomen. I seem to carry a roll of fat all the way around my lower abdominals and hips. Yuck. And the other sad thing is that this is the same 30 pounds I lost and then gained back about three years ago.
On the one hand I’m congratulating myself and feeling good about being 30 pounds lighter, and on the other I’m berating myself because it’s the same 30 pounds I’ve been messing with for the last several years. Oh well, it is what it is.
Even more frustrating, though, is the fact that I’m in between sizes. 18’s are too big, and I’m swimming in some of my 18 jeans. But wouldn’t you know that the 16’s are just a little too snug. I can get them zipped up but they are tight and I wouldn’t want to sit in them for an extended period of time. The 18’s look baggy and I love that feel, but they also look kind of sloppy. The 16’s make me look thinner, but my fat rolls over the tops a bit, and I hate that. I’m going to be uncomfortable in either size. My kingdom for a size 17!
Now is the time when I would normally, as in most of the time, get pissed off and frustrated and angry. Why can’t anything fit? Why can’t I be smaller already? Why do I have to keep dealing with this same 30 pounds, and the next 50? Why can’t I just be skinny already? I’ve been known to go into a downward spiral of tears and depression and binging following one of these clothes sessions that can sometimes last for days or even weeks.
This also happens quite regularly when I weigh myself too. Unfortunately my confidence usually seems to come and go with the number on the scale and the size of the clothes. I get excited and feel confident when my clothes feel loose and I’m losing weight. But then the confidence plummets when I can’t fit into smaller clothes or the scale doesn’t move as fast as I want.
Amazingly, this time was different. I did a great job of keeping my equilibrium. It’s one of the things I’ve been working on. Keeping things in perspective. My happiness and self worth DO NOT depend on my size and my weight. I know I am a wonderful and worthy person, and that doesn’t change with my weight or my size. I’m finally learning to love and accept myself no matter what. I can’t tell you how amazing it is to finally feel that way…I’ve been trying to get to this peaceful state for most of my 50 years. And quite frankly now that I’m at that place most of the time, I wouldn’t trade that feeling of peace and calm and joy for any number on the scale or any size! (Well at least I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t?!?!) Either way, I’ll keep moving forward!
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