Guiltless

As we walked up to the courtyard where my cousin’s daughter was to be married, I spotted my aunt and uncle greeting people. I took my sunglasses off and felt the butterflies in my stomach. I shouldn’t be so nervous to see them, but it’s been a long time - over 15 years - and I am afraid I won’t be welcomed by my uncle. I took a deep breath and relaxed. I encouraged myself to just go straight up to him and give him a hug and say hello. Another deep breath and I smiled and walked the remaining steps with my head held high. I gave my aunt a hug and we talked for a moment. Then as we finished, I turned to my uncle who had averted his eyes and looked as if he wanted to be somewhere - anywhere - except there with me approaching him. I stepped over to him and put my arms around him and said “Hello, it’s good to see you.” He didn’t return my embrace nor did he say anything, and while it’s what I expected, I was still disappointed.

Why had I been so foolish as to think he would welcome me, embrace me, show me any warmth at all? I knew he and my mother were still feuding after all these years. I knew he was still holding a grudge against her and me and our entire family. I knew he wouldn’t have gotten over the anger and resentment he must be feeling towards us to treat us this way.

I wanted to slap him. I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to ask him why the hell he was mad at me? I hadn’t caused the problems between him and my mother. He shouldn’t hold his anger towards her against me.

And yet…I felt guilty about the situation. I wanted to make peace. Life is too short, can’t we all just get along? I felt guilty for how I did participate in the legal issues between him and my mother. I was fresh out of law school and trying to please her by helping her with her business issues with him. And now I felt guilty for not being able to resolve their anger toward each other. I’ve talked to my mom before about forgiving him. She feels like she made an overture once and when he didn’t accept her peace offering she was justified in hating him. I wish I could talk to him too and try to reason with him to give up his anger and forgive her and me. I wish everyone could be happy.

I’m also tired of feeling guilty about something that I can’t control and I can’t change. I know in my heart that I can’t change my mother and I certainly can’t change my uncle who won’t even give me the time of day. And you know what, I also know that it’s not my job to change them or to make them happy or to make them forgive each other.

My only responsibility is to me. How do I want to be and what do I want to be? What I want is to be happy. I want to love and accept my mother and my uncle exactly as they are, even when they are unable to love each other. Feeling guilty won’t make me happy or loving that’s for sure.

What I wanted in that moment was to remember my uncle as he was when I was growing up and how much fun I had with him and my aunt and my cousins. I have a lot of happy and loving memories. I also acknowledged that he must be in a lot of pain and the best thing I could do for him was to let him be. So I silently told him I loved him and that he could be mad if he wanted to, but that I was going to go spend time with my cousins and their families. I was going to have fun and celebrate and not feel guilty!

And that’s exactly what I did. I walked away from my uncle and over to where all my cousins and their kids were and reunited with them and you know what, I had an amazing time! I hope my uncle had fun too!

What are you feeling guilty about and what can you do to release that guilt and feel loving toward yourself?